A while ago I was talking with a friend at work and our conversation turned to topics of philosophy and spirituality. He is a big fan of Hermann Hesse and offered to lend me a book of his when he found out I had never read any of him. Quite a while later he remembered to bring it, along with a bag of plastic glow in the dark jellyfish (he was moving back to New York and getting rid of a lot of possessions. He knew I like jellyfish and brought some that had been hanging in his bathroom). I got his new address so that when I finished it I could send it back.
I admit, I was hesitant to delve into this book, because I knew it would have a spiritual message and maybe a lesson about life in the form of a parable. Lately my book reading and movie watching tastes have been limited to what is entertaining- basically, mindless fluff compared to what I used to expose myself to back in college when I was hell bent on bettering myself through exposure to arty, thought provoking, meaningful media. After I graduated I forgot all about intellectual growth and just got sucked into whatever was juicy. Especially when the book began long ago in a monastery, I inwardly groaned and realized I would have to send the book back to my friend only partly read.
But I persisted and was very glad when it came to the part where Goldmund left the monastery and set off into the world for adventure. For anyone who hasn't read it, the story is based on two friends- Narcissus, the philosophical intellectual monk, and Goldmund, the sensual, wandering artist. Goldmund believes he is meant for a life in the cloister until Narcissus shows him that it is not his path and that he must leave and discover who he really is. For much of his life, Goldmund is a nomad without a goal, content to walk through forests, meet villagers, get into romantic entanglements, and wander as a free man. I could relate to this way of life, this desire for adventure and new experience, taking everything in with appreciation, through an artist's eyes. I liked Goldmund's presence and his acknowledgment of the transient nature of life. I know that I have some of Narcissus in me as well, seeing the value in the mind and a sedentary existence.
For a few years Goldmund lives in a city and learns to sculpt statues with a master sculptor. This man, Master Niklaus, represents industry and the working man I suppose, as Narcissus is the monk and Goldmund the artist. Niklaus is an artist, but that side of himself has been overtaken by the worker who is creating for money. Goldmund sees him as sad and soulless, making useless trinkets. After Goldmund creates his masterpiece, a tribute to Narcissus, he leaves again for many years, hoping to accumulate more experience necessary to tackle his next project.
This story gave me a lot to think about. I've always felt that I am a well rounded and balanced type of person, meaning that I have equal masculine and feminine sides, I am equal parts intellectual and emotional, I have equally strong urges to travel and to stay in one place. Hesse's story makes it sound like people are either one or the other, and that once you discover who you are, you must live your life the way it was meant to be lived, even though it might feel meaningless in the end. For me, because of my many opposing qualities, it's been difficult knowing what is my authentic path. Whenever I'm doing one thing, I'm also simultaneously pulled in the opposite direction. For the last five years I feel like I've been stepping tentatively on many different paths, only to grow doubtful and turn back. More than anything I want to commit to a direction and work steadily towards a goal, like Goldmund's purpose of carving out of wood the images he held inside him.
Mainly, what made this story meaningful to me was Hesse's view of art and how, in his view, it's one of the few things worth creating. It's a way of honoring the world, one's life, and leaving something behind when you're gone. I guess I've always known that art is my purpose, but I've always let it be something lingering on the periphery. I want to bring it to the forefront, and maybe even make a living at it, even if I end up like soulless Master Niklaus.
